IT GUY

This story has been told to 3 people before.

It was a cool autumn morning in Cupertino, CA as I was preparing for a marathon of interviews, from a prospective company, in the cloud computing space. All the homework was done. All the preparation had been assembled, and to top it off, I look damn good in a suit. Today was my day and I was sure to make my father proud. Nothing would stop me, except the bubbling.

Oh yes, the bubbling, the feeling in your stomach when you know you have a maximum of 5 minutes before you lose complete control of your bodily functions. I felt like I had gone to Tijuana, ignored the warning and drank the water. To top it off, there were no gas stations in sight. What to do?

Do I risk being late, and search the business park for some semblance of a public facility? Or do I casually stroll into the business and politely ask my potential future colleague, whom I'm meeting for the first time, to the bathroom.

I chose the latter. Arriving 15 minutes early, to deal with the problem at hand. Everyone needs to use the restroom right? No Biggie.

Jennifer: Hello, are you here to interview for the business development role?
Me: Yep, sure am.
Jennifer: Great, you are a little early, and this is an old building so you may have to sit in the hall, as space is limited right now. (No idea how much this would matter)
Me: No problem, actually I was wondering, can I use your restroom?
Jennifer: Of course, right this way.

At this point there was no turning back. I had to go. Holding my head high, with my shoulders back, I walked passed secretaries, account managers, software engineers, and executives on my way to the bathroom. This, is but a hiccup in the day I wrongfully thought.

Everything was going well, as I entered the dilapidated restroom. An uneasiness came over me, as locked my self in the handicap stall (I'm tall, lay off me), as I heard the shuttering of the previously flushed toilet. It echoed throughout the bathroom, shaking the pipes as if they were ready to explode. I shook it off and took care of business, and damn I felt better.

Good decision bro, we are almost outta here. So I flushed the toilet, stood up, adjusted myself and put my suit jacket on. As I was doing so, I noticed that my initial flush attempt was unsuccessful. No big deal, I thought, I'll get it as soon as I get situated and looking good. 

Proudly, I exited the stall and made passed an IT looking man, on the way to the stall I had been using. We exchanged the classic, close mouthed, downward nod, that is customary when passing a stranger, let alone in the bathroom. UH OH. At the same time I was exchanging the aforementioned glance, I realized the horror. I NEVER FLUSHED!

That's right, I had forgotten to reflush, after I put my suit jacket on. To make matters worse, IT guy groaned as he reflushed. As if to say, "What the fuck happened in here!" At this point, 4 minutes before my interview, I chose to ignore it. Convincing myself it was no big deal. "He is just an IT guy anyway," I justified.

For the remaining four minutes I sat in the hall and waited. When who should pass by me in this hall, not once, not twice, but 4 times? The dude from the bathroom, IT GUY. And who were all the employees talking to? The dude from the bathroom, IT GUY. And who were they asking about what flights he wanted to Japan? The dude from the bathroom, IT GUY. Everytime he passed me, that customary close mouthed stranger nod, had become a "I know what you did, grinning nod." PSHH Whatever IT GUY. So you're the CIO. Still an IT GUY.

Still, I powered on. Made it through 4 interviews. All four interviewers signed off on me and told me that I would definitely be meeting the CEO and president. See, no big deal.

      "What? I came in to your office, clogged up your toilet, grossed out your IT GUY, and no big deal,    I'm meeting with your CEO today. I'll probably get the job, sleep with the hottest secretary, and take this bitch over one day. What?" I thought....

I sailed through all of it, when on the last interview, I sheepishly asked, which one is the CEO?

" Oh, the guy with glasses and long hair wearing a yellow shirt, he is right out there."

Still confident, I looked. Oh no. Dear god, no. Guess who ladies and gentleman? The guy from the bathroom, IT GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We exchanged glances in the window. We nodded, however the nod now looked like a:
     "Really Bro? You think you can come in here, clog up my toilet, gross me, the CEO out, and walk away with a job? If I let you in here you'd probably sleep with my secretary and take my job one day," nod. 

That was it folks, I knew instantly it was over. That nod confirmed my fate right then and there. He never came in, never contacted me, and we never met.

I never heard from that company, but learned a very valuable lesson that day. Pre-game dumps are vital to success in sports, tests, and even business.

-See you on the Grid.